Sexy as a Piece of Printer Paper
by Shinjuu-Chan
Summary: Pure crack and yaoi. What would happen if L and Light got trapped in a room, and completely misread the other? Lots of fun for the readers.


Sexy As A Piece Of Printer Paper

_AN- It's my first Death Note fic. And it's nothing but pure crack and yaoi. Have fun! _

L and Light were trapped. Well, to be honest they weren't really trapped. They were just stuck in a locked conference room that refused to open no matter how many times Light kicked it. L had given up trying to open it on his first pull. He had resigned himself to sitting (if you can call it that) in an office chair and eating pocky.

"_Just like Kira. He refuses to lose."_

It was obvious to Light that L had planned this. They had just _happened _to walk into a conference room with a steel door. And some passerby had just _happened_ to close the door. And it just _happened_ to get locked.

_"L, I would have expected better from you."_ Light laughed to himself. This was quite pathetic. Light knew that L was testing how he acted in stressful situations. Anything he did could be used as evidence against him. Light decided to sit down opposite L and relax. Then L did something unexpected. He pulled out a stick of pocky and started _sucking on it._ Not a silly trying to get the chocolate off the biscuit sucking. But actual loud, obnoxious, dirty-thought-bringing sucking.

_Suck..._

_Suck..._

_Suck..._

L smiled creepily. Not his normal "I-am-a-sickly-looking-genius-who-would-kill-you-for-a-sugar-rush" smile. More of a "I-am-enjoying-this-immensely-and-I-know-I-shouldn't-be" smile. Light tried very hard not to twitch. What mind games was L attempting to play on him?

"_I wonder just how annoying this is..." _L thought. He was not the kind of person to ever imagine what images he was putting into Light's head. Meanwhile, Light was contemplating whether he should just kill L now and get it over with. Or he could always make a fake attempt at friendship.

"Ryuzuki, do you ever eat anything other than candy? It worries me." Light said, sounding so ironically sweet he kinda wanted to vomit.

Normally, L would shrug and keep on eating. But, he had a better idea.

"_I need to send Light over the edge... He's good at hiding at emotion. But there has to be one thing that will get him to talk."_

L shrugged. "The ladies like me the way I am." If Light was an anime character (and we all know he isn't, he's a real person somewhere) his jaw would have dropped to the floor. It did anyway.

"The _ladies_? Ryuzuki, since when have you had one single lady?" L pulled out a panda cracker from his pockets, and ate it to hide his smile.

"Why do you think there are always noises in that one supply closet?" L asked Light in a perfectly unemotional monotone voice. Light went slightly pale.

"I thought that was violently explosive window cleaner. That's what they told me at least..."

"Oh it's explosive alright." L said. If L was a normal person, he would have been in hysterics at this point. However, L was far from normal. And he could act at times. Light went pale.

"Ryuzuki, I think I just got sick." Light said. L feigned a hurt expression.

"Well, I'm still a bigger hit than you are...if you know what I mean..." L himself had no clue what he meant. But it sounded good.

"How do you know?" Light demanded. "DID YOU PUT THOSE DAMN CAMERAS IN MY BATHROOM?"

"Uh...yes." L said quickly. Something was setting Light off. This would be good. However, L was not expecting Light to grab his neck. L didn't know what he'd said. At least he knew a little.

"Watch it. My neck is bruised." Same monotone, unattached voice. Light let go and collapsed.

"_Maybe if Light has a breakdown I can convince him to admit he's Kira..."_

"How is this possible! I am so much more attractive than you! I'm dating a supermodel."

Not what L was expecting. Still funny as hell.

_"I'm letting him mess with me. This isn't good... I'll just have to play back!"_

"What about the boys Ryuzuki? Do they like you too?"

It was L's turn to be floored. Was Light _hitting on him?_ L really wasn't sure. All of his experience with romance came from his three in the morning runs to the store out of his devotion to panda crackers.

"Why do you want to know this?" L asked it what he thought to be a coy voice.

_"Is he choking on a cracker?"_ Light wondered. L prayed that Kira would strike him dead this instant. He was not so lucky.

"Really Ryuzuki, I find this all a bit far-fetched." Light believed every word of it. "I mean, when do you get time for this? You don't even have time to sleep. Anyways, I think I'd attract more of the female attention at the police headquarters anyway. L knew what he should say. He knew it, and he knew that it was unprofessional. It had nothing to with the Kira investigation. Well, how would Kira respond to this comment?

_"With a quick and painful death."_ But, L was sure to die soon enough anyway. Might as well have some fun first. "Are you implying that you think that you're sexier than me?"

_"What the fuck is going on?"_ Light wondered. He decided to answer honestly. This couldn't do anything to make him look like Kira.

"Well, not really Ryuzuki. I'd imagine that you'd be about as sexy as a piece of printer paper."

"Like, white and flat?"

"Yes. White and flat."

_"I'm cold. Oh God. Did I just pull my shirt off?" _

"Oh. I guess not." Light said blankly. "I might have to take back that comment."

L nodded. He wanted to put his shirt on now. Before something happened. That he might not want to happen. Or he might want it to happen. He wasn't quite sure. Light was once again shocked. "All you do is sit in a chair and eat shit all day? How is this possible?"

"Eh, sitting like that is good exercise." L said.

"Wow. I need to start doing that." Light leaned in. " I need to tell you something."

"What?"

... Five hours later.

A man opened up the door frantically. "I am so sorry! I forgot to unlock the door. Forgive...me?"

L and Light were sitting next to each other laughing like idiots. This was odd. "Hey, are you two okay?"

"Yeah I'm fine. My ass hurts a little." L said.

_Stare._

"I tripped."

"...Oh..."

"Yeah. Do you have any cake?"


End file.
